Practicing Reading
Securing my mask before assisting others…
Happy (belated) Solar New Year + Happy (early) Lunar New Year, Beautiful –
Vermont is sufficiently iced and I'm emerging from a period of rest right now. I've just begun my second semester studying graphic design; I'm taking some time away from gainful employment (terrifying); and I’m diving deep into all of my practices. I've chosen to experiment with a different format for this month's Practice*. Rather than bullet-pointing my life and offerings for you, I did and wrote about a tarot reading for myself.
I've been pondering a question for the better part of the last two years: When do I get the urge to give something away and why? The question first came to me in the summer of 2020, when many of us were entering the frontier of online yoga for the first time. While practicing I'd get the strong, sometimes irrepressible impulse to send the practice to someone else. In my mind I'd say, "Oh this is exactly what so-and-so needs right now." Sometimes I would stop practicing and send it to them. And then, being at my screen, I'd often get sucked into the internet and it's many temptations, never returning to my practice.
Eventually, I began to intercept the pattern. "Why do I want to send this to someone right now?" I'd ask myself. "Why am I thinking so much about other people's needs during this time that's supposed to be about connecting with my higher self?" Then one day, it clicked for me. I was giving away the thing that I myself needed. I could recognize that there was something powerful opening up during practice, but instead of reflecting back on my own experience, my tendency was to project it outward to serve others. Once I saw it in myself, I couldn't stop seeing it all around me. I saw it especially in those who, like me, were socialized as women and/or caretakers.
So, in honor of recognizing my needs before tending to others', (my shorthand for this has become "securing my oxygen mask first") I'm giving myself the gift of a tarot reading with me, and opening the window to give you a look. Below is a Celtic Cross spread I did for myself as a snapshot of my life right now. If you want to learn how to read it for yourself, peek at this article from Biddy Tarot.
Ten cards from the Carnival at the End of the World Tarot Deck lay in a Celtic Cross formation on a dark blue yoga mat. The images are hand painted and whimsical. They recall motifs and aesthetics from Italian clowning and carnivals.
The Present – Justice
Anubis weighs the heart of a chimera against a feather. I'm in a moment of weighing my options, and making decisions that align with my highest values and desires for myself.
The Challenge – Queen of Wands
A figured shrouded in blue holds an oar atop a capsized boat. Arrows pierce the hull and a great bird rests at the peak of the oar. There is immense power bubbling just below the surface, it needs to be uncovered. Not releasing it could be dangerous.
The Past – The Fool
A figure in tattered clothes walks away from you carrying a stick with many puppets dangling from it. A monkey follows behind and the figure looks back at it. I ventured out in search of something I couldn't see yet. I packed light and moved swiftly.
The Future – Six of Swords
A being in a casket stands at the bow of a ship. Six swords balance in it behind them. There is another departure on the horizon. Decisions must be made about what to leave behind and what to move towards.
The Conscious – Four of Cups
A monk float upside down in meditation. They are surrounded by four teacups - some full, some empty some floating. I desire stillness and emotional equilibrium. My aim is to maintain my sense of peace and perspective regardless of the circumstances.
The Unconscious – Two of Swords
A terrified figure clings to the trunk of tree between two swords stuck into the earth. I have a decision to make, but something (some fear) is keeping me from moving. What am I afraid of?
The Advice – Strength
A flapper pulls apart the jaws of a lion to place her head inside. I have trained and practiced and therapized myself enough to stock my toolbox, now is the time to use it.
The External – Three of Swords
A jester’s head rolls around inside a box moving on chicken legs. The box is pierced with three arrows. There is pain in the space between me and another. There are wounds that need tending to.
Hopes + Fears – Page of Cups
A stack of teacups with legs and eyes peers out at you from atop a piece of ice. I dream of magic and witchcraft. I dream of being steeped in these practices. I fear what others will think of me if I do, or that I will not be able to sustain myself from it.
The Outcome – Eight of Cups
A humanoid jellyfish laments the fish it dropped into the eight teacups at its feet. I will try a little of this and a little of that, but none of it may suit my taste. My job is to know when something isn't working and let it go.
Major Arcana: III Wands: I Cups: III Swords: III Pentacles: None
What does this mean?
It means I am in the midst of ongoing, long term transition and change. I'm weighing my options and making choices about what kind of life is possible for me and what I want to shape my life into. The balanced abundance of Major Arcana, Cups and Swords tells me that I am dealing with Big Life Themes (Major Arcana), Deep Emotions (Cups/Water) and Social Communications (Swords/Air). The Cups and Swords lead me to contemplation, relationship and information gathering. I am in a moment of fact finding both internally and externally before I continue on the next step of my journey. The placement of the only Wands card (Creativity/Fire) as my Challenge tells me that there is heat, friction somewhere between me and where I'm going. The lack of Pentacles (Resources/Earth) tells me that my resources are not where my focus is called to at this moment.
How do I feel about it?
I'm not too surprised by anything I see in these cards. Yanyi and I have been discussing expat fantasies and desires for our next home together in recent weeks. Even though I made major decisions in the past two years to move to Vermont and explore new careers (The Fool), there's still more change to come (Six of Swords). Sometimes Vermont feels like a place I could stay forever, and sometimes it feels like a sweet rest stop on the journey (Eight of Cups). I've made decisions recently out of higher values (Justice) and feel how those choices interact with my inner power both positively and negatively (Queen of Wands). There is some pain and difficulty bubbling under my surface right now (Two & Three of Swords) and I'll find the answer through my spiritual practices (IV of Cups, Strength, Page of Cups).
à bientôt,
HK
P.S. – Book your tarot reading with me here.
P.P.S. – The next TRANS* YOGA is on February 5th! Sign up here.